So You and I are Dateless on Valentine’s Day….Awesome, Let’s Live it Up.
1. Grab a girlfriend and head to your favorite nail salon for a relaxing manicure and pedicure.
2. Head to a bar, where you know all the men in there will be single.
3. Forget about your diet, buy yourself a yummy box of chocolates and enjoy.
4. Spend it with your other fabulous, single girlfriends and rejoice in that fact that you don’t cry over him anymore.
5. Relish in the fact that you don’t have to shave your legs that day or weekend for that matter
6. Go see that chick flick you have been dying to see and ask for plenty of butter for your popcorn.
7. Take yourself to the mall and see what’s new at Coach.
8. Have a threesome with Ben and Jerry. Whip cream optional.
9. Smile at every person you see that day.
10. Turn off your cell phone, put on your favorite iTunes, and soak in a long, hot bubble bath. Don’t forget that glass of wine.
11. Throw your hair up, curl up in your favorite blanket, and eat as much Chinese food as you want.
12. Take a hike! Get out and enjoy the sunshine. (Raining? Head to the gym!)
13. Do something nice for somone else.
Above all else,
14. Treat yourself to a day of love because nobody should love you more than you love yourself. You are not alone, girlfriend.
Dianne’s dating tips, games, and advice = Keep it real and stay away from frogs.
“Dianne, I know why you don’t have a boyfriend,” Macy says as she downs a cup of coffee at Starbucks in Downtown, Campbell. Macy is a cute, 44-year-old woman who is happily married with two teenage kids. Macy and I just recently met at a party and hit it off. She is fun, and I like talking to her.
“Really? Why’s that?” I ask as I’m about to shove a piece of red velvet cupcake into my mouth. Eagerly, I lean toward her to hear this latest revelation about my non-existent love life.
“You need to grow your hair longer, and you need to lose 20 pounds, maybe 25,” she says with an air of authority.
I lean back in my chair and stare at her for a moment. I then glance down at the last few crumbs of my cupcake lying on the napkin, and the only thing that I can think of is whether of not I should smash my thumb upon them and send them and my thumb hurtling to my mouth. Decisions… Decisions…I look at Macy, she looks at me, and then we both glace down at the minuscule pieces of red velvet cupcake scattered on the ugly brown napkin. Man, it is taking all of my will power not to gobble those few specks up. I know that Macy is waiting for a response, so I decide to let the crumbs go and crumble up my napkin. I look up, and Macy is still staring at me–waiting, but I don’t know what to say.
“Maybe, you could have something there,” I say nodding my head in agreement.
Macy’s brow furrows for a moment.
I mean really, what else am I suppose to say to that? Actually, that has become my mantra since the release of Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace . Which by the way, I want to thank all 84 people who bought my last book, and I want to publicly apologize to every person who has ever known me or my family members for pestering, annoying, haranguing, texting, Iming, emailing, calling, begging, pleading, and cajoling them into buying the book. If you are still talking to us, thank you.
However, I digress; Macy is waiting for me to engage in her asinine logic. Everybody seems to know why I don’t have a boyfriend except me; and everybody is determined to help me find a boyfriend since they have read my book; and everybody has an opinion of why I don’t have a boyfriend and what I need to do to find one.
Is Macy, right? Will losing weight and growing my hair manifest into a boyfriend? Hardly. Come on. Really? You think? Hmmm, I think this poses a new question, does weight loss equate to love gained? Let’s find out.
I have to get healthy anyway because I am tired of my doctor yelling at me when I go into his office. He doesn’t actually yell, but he always gives me a disappointing look when I step on the scale. I think I would rather have him scold me with 50 wet lashes then see that face he makes. Maybe it is time to battle the bulge once and for all… I have a feeling that this is going to be an epic battle.
I have a question. How many times have you walked by a mirrored window or door and glanced at your reflection and cringed? The other day, I was walking in Campbell, and I happened to turn and look at my reflection in the mirror. Suddenly, I was annoyed. What the hell was that huge thing following me so closely? Back up, buddy. Give me some room. However, it just kept coming after me. Finally, I stopped and whipped around, but there was nobody there. I looked back in the mirror and did a double take. There was never anybody following me. It was my ass. Holy Cow! How long has my backside been trailing behind me like a 320-pound linebacker?
I grimace as I write this. Which actually makes me think of Grimace–the big, purple looking creature in the McDonald’s commercials. What was he? Wasn’t he Ronald McDonald’s best friend? Was he Barney for the 80’s brat pack? Didn’t he represent milkshakes? Yum. Milkshakes. Can someone please bring me a chocolate milkshake right now? That sounds so good, and as long as you are getting the milkshake we may as well have some fries, too. Right?
ARGH. Food. Food. Food. That is all I ever think about. Do you know how many times I have been to Weight Watchers? Probably more times than I have been on dates. It stops, today. I am going to begin my diet for the 1,345th time. I am going to join an online Weight Watchers group, and I am making a few of my friends come along for the ride. Wanna join in on the fun? We can lose weight together. I also joined the “Biggest Loser” contest at work. That should be a riot in itself. Let the games begin.
Now, where did I put those articles I just clipped from my US Weekly? Ah, yes, here they are—one is a diet guaranteed to drop 10 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 10-minute pecan fudge cake. Who says we can’t have our cake and eat it, too?
I am not a single person out there looking for dates or the perfect man, as this story is about a gal just that. But am instead about the same age and married with 2 kids. I thought this story, though about cyber-dating and its roller coaster, was fun and engaging. I felt I could still totally relate to what Dianne was thinking and how she interepreted all of these crazy men and the dating webservices. I found myself reading pieces of this book out loud to my friends and husband. What a laugh!
Thank you Dianne Sweeney for experiencing the crazy cyber-dating world so we could all enjoy it!
This book was a complete change from my normal reading, and I loved every minute. Funny! Funny! Funny!
Hey all! I have teamed up with a public relations firm. She loved the book, so we met and decided to work together. She is a lot of fun, and we have some exciting things on the horizon.
“Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace”
By Dianne Sweeney
For Immediate Release
Julie Davis Berry
Media Relations, prforgood.com
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER WRITES BOOK ABOUT ONLINE DATING ADVENTURES (AND MISADVENTURES)
(Campbell, CA –January 11, 2010) With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, a local High School English teacher has written the perfect book for those contemplating dipping their toes into the online dating pool. “Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace,” by Dianne Sweeney is a hilarious, tongue-firmly-in-cheek account of the teacher’s adventures on numerous dating websites.
“I grew up with the whole Cinderella finds her Prince Charming at the ball scenario, so I had certain expectations about relationships going into adulthood,” said author Dianne Sweeney. “At the very least I was hoping to meet a Harry for my Sally. But sadly he never materialized. After a lot of urging from my friends, I reluctantly turned to Internet dating. I had no idea what kinds of people I would meet online. After a few months of online dating I thought…I’ve got to write a book about this!”
Sweeney, an English teacher at Westmont High School in Campbell, shares stories about married men trolling the net for flings, as well as bumping into old flames online. Her acerbic wit and sense of purpose make this a breezy read for those looking for love. Did she ever find love on the Internet? Read “Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace” to find out!
“This was a wonderfully funny, light read which had me chuckling to myself from beginning to end. This is definitely a book that anyone will find extremely enjoyable, regardless of whether you are single or married. I have already recommended it to several of my friends as a must read.” – T. Milam, North Carolina
Author Dianne Sweeney is available for interviews, public speaking engagements, book club appearances and book signings. For more information please visit www.diannesweeney.com “Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace” was released by Adelmore Press and is available in paperback online at BarnesandNoble.com and Amazon.com for $10.95.