“Dianne, I know why you don’t have a boyfriend,” Macy says as she downs a cup of coffee at Starbucks in Downtown, Campbell. Macy is a cute, 44-year-old woman who is happily married with two teenage kids. Macy and I just recently met at a party and hit it off. She is fun, and I like talking to her.
“Really? Why’s that?” I ask as I’m about to shove a piece of red velvet cupcake into my mouth. Eagerly, I lean toward her to hear this latest revelation about my non-existent love life.
“You need to grow your hair longer, and you need to lose 20 pounds, maybe 25,” she says with an air of authority.
I lean back in my chair and stare at her for a moment. I then glance down at the last few crumbs of my cupcake lying on the napkin, and the only thing that I can think of is whether of not I should smash my thumb upon them and send them and my thumb hurtling to my mouth. Decisions… Decisions…I look at Macy, she looks at me, and then we both glace down at the minuscule pieces of red velvet cupcake scattered on the ugly brown napkin. Man, it is taking all of my will power not to gobble those few specks up. I know that Macy is waiting for a response, so I decide to let the crumbs go and crumble up my napkin. I look up, and Macy is still staring at me–waiting, but I don’t know what to say.
“Maybe, you could have something there,” I say nodding my head in agreement.
Macy’s brow furrows for a moment.
I mean really, what else am I suppose to say to that? Actually, that has become my mantra since the release of Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace . Which by the way, I want to thank all 84 people who bought my last book, and I want to publicly apologize to every person who has ever known me or my family members for pestering, annoying, haranguing, texting, Iming, emailing, calling, begging, pleading, and cajoling them into buying the book. If you are still talking to us, thank you.
However, I digress; Macy is waiting for me to engage in her asinine logic. Everybody seems to know why I don’t have a boyfriend except me; and everybody is determined to help me find a boyfriend since they have read my book; and everybody has an opinion of why I don’t have a boyfriend and what I need to do to find one.
Is Macy, right? Will losing weight and growing my hair manifest into a boyfriend? Hardly. Come on. Really? You think? Hmmm, I think this poses a new question, does weight loss equate to love gained? Let’s find out.
I have to get healthy anyway because I am tired of my doctor yelling at me when I go into his office. He doesn’t actually yell, but he always gives me a disappointing look when I step on the scale. I think I would rather have him scold me with 50 wet lashes then see that face he makes. Maybe it is time to battle the bulge once and for all… I have a feeling that this is going to be an epic battle.
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